For every action, there is a consequence. Good actions, bad actions, intentional or otherwise all have a consequence that can and often does affect many, not just the the initiator. I’m talking about the actions and consequences in relationships. People make decisions all the time, all day every day, that’s a part of life. Far be it from me to tell anyone not to be true to themselves, but when you have committed yourself to a relationship, you have in fact committed to thinking about someone else too. Committed to acknowledging and respecting their views, their thoughts, their feelings, their rights. You don’t have to agree with them, you don’t even need to always understand them. You do have to acknowledge and respect them. I understand that people face challenges in relationships, the road to love isn’t always easy, but it takes much more courage to face the problem together than checking out early. Checking out and moving on before your partner even knows what’s going on is in my opinion, most cowardly. I have seen close friends and family members give second chances, question their sanity and fight for relationships when in reality the other person involved had already made the decision to leave or continue their behaviour no matter the consequence. I don’t advocate staying in a relationship that is unhealthy or which leaves you unhappy but you owe it to your girlfriend/boyfriend/ partner /spouse to be honest and transparent. If you are unhappy you work on it or leave, but I believe if you’re going to go you leave before you start anything with anyone else.
We invest in our relationships. And like any investment we are hoping to receive dividends. Exactly what is it that we invest and what are the consequences when one member of this partnership wants to leave the party early?
We invest emotionally.
Spending time with someone as you do in a relationship you’re going to get emotionally involved. That’s the whole point isn’t it? You care for each other, you look out for each other, you desire each other. You form an attachment with this person on all kinds of levels. Of course there is the physical, sexual relationship you share but often people in relationships will say, “They’re my best friend”. Even if the whole “Best Friend” label doesn’t quite fit, this is a person that you are sharing your time with, your thoughts, feelings and experiences with. And all that sharing brings you an emotional closeness. When you’ve invested all these emotions, all this love only to find the other person stopped investing in part or all together, you suddenly find yourself in a relationship out of balance. When the person you have invested in emotionally has begun to invest in someone else, it’s very hard to regain that balance. Perhaps they haven’t even began to do this though? Maybe they’ve just decided that you’re not the one for them and there’s something or someone else out there that would be a better fit? It’s going to hurt. Of course it is. When feelings aren’t reciprocated or they are taken for granted, thrown away in our eyes, we feel betrayed. How could someone you love, someone you would do anything for treat you this way. This betrayal then leads on to a feeling of lost trust. Unfortunately this loss of trust can then be transferred onto relationships to come.
We invest our time.
The time it takes to build a life together is precious. You are forging and creating memories and experiences that will be there forever. No matter what happens in the future the time invested now is something that you can’t get back. No-one wants to look back at their time as wasted.
We invest our future.
We all have dreams and aspirations for our future, big and small. When you’re in a relationship there’s a certain amount of projection we all do. Women are the best at doing this and no, it’s not all about the wedding. We visualise night’s in, on the couch together in the beautiful home we’ve built together, the kids tucked into their beds snug and warm. Maybe that’s not it at all, maybe you picture the overseas holidays, the inner city apartment and dinner parties for all your mutual friends.
Whatever the future dreams and aspirations you hold for you and your partner, when someone pulls the plug, you’re not just saying goodbye to the relationship you have now but to all of the what ifs and maybes of the future. We’re not talking about silly pipe dreams here either. If you have a home with this person chances are, you’re going to have to say goodbye to it. If you have children together you may be saying goodbye to any future siblings your child may have had. You may even be saying goodbye to the chance of starting a family. Timing is everything and if you’ve been investing in a relationship expecting all these things to happen, just to have the rug pulled out from under you, the feeling of devastation and loss for you’re possible future is very real.
We invest financially.
Not terribly romantic, but true. Furnishing a home, buying a home, joint ventures such as small business, cars, credit cards, personal loans etc can mean you’ve got some serious money tied up. If you’re in a long term relationship you’re going to have some shared assets. The break up and distribution of these assets can be hard and in some cases get downright nasty. Perhaps now you aren’t in a relationship, having to pay more for housing you wont be able to continue in the same line of work or will have to give up study in order to earn more. As a woman, you may have given up work to look after the family only to discover that you’re facing becoming a single parent who has been out of the work force for longer than ever expected. Not a comfortable potion to be in when you suddenly find yourself in desperate need of an independent income.
Honestly, I am not saying you should stay if you’re miserable, but don’t let your relationship fester and linger on if you know you want out. Make a clean, clear break for everyone’s sake. You obviously loved this person at some stage. If you say you’re going to work on it, work on it. If you say you’re going to go to couples counseling, go to couples counseling. If you beg and plead for a second chance you better make sure as hell that you deserve it and you don’t mess up again. If you say these things and don’t mean them, there is nothing nice in that. It is cruel and misleading and the person you once loved deserves better than that.
Comments