We’re on the home straight now, less than a week left until school starts back and Master E begins his schooling journey. I’m a mixed bag of emotions. I’m feeling a little sad and nostalgic that my “baby boy” isn’t really a baby at all anymore and I’m feeling happy and proud that he has come so far in the last year and is well and truly ready for this next chapter. Although I never really understood why Mum’s complained about the length of school holidays before, yes I know I was naive, I get it now. There is a sense of relief knowing that there will be 7-8 hours every weekday for me to go to work and/ have some time out. Gosh that sounds terrible!
I love my kids so much, I really don’t need to spell it out to anyone, I do so much for and with them and I truly enjoy and relish our adventures together. But you know what? Being a parent is tough. It’s not a competition; there are different types of parents going through different kinds of situations everywhere. There are FIFO families, defence families, blended families, foster families, spectrum families, etc. etc. I can’t speak to anyone else’s life, there are people out there dealing with things I can only imagine, all I can comment on is my own experiences. See not only am I a single parent, I am a solo parent. There is no drop off at their Dad’s for the weekend or once a month for a sleepover. There are no phone calls to discuss the big “parenting decisions”. It just doesn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I get loads of support from my family, both sets of grandparents are hands on and help in different ways and I have friends that I can call on when I need. I am really lucky to have all this support and I appreciate it no end, but these are Grandparents and Aunties and Uncles and friends, they’re not my children’s parent, so when it comes to “parenting” I’m it.
I wouldn’t swap places with anyone, I’m actually pretty happy with life right now and while humble bragging isn’t always very attractive, self-affirmations don’t hurt anyone. So yes, I’m happy with life right now but that doesn’t stop the little things creeping in and sometimes accepting that you’re going to have some bad days. My two angels (insert eye roll here) have been fighting and bickering pretty much non-stop this past week and to say I’m over it would be an understatement. They love each other and miss each other when one of them is not around but like a lot of siblings, when they get together it turns into a competition on who can get the most of mum’s attention. It seems negative attention will do just as well as positive right now, so we have yelling, pushing, hitting, whinging and just general naughty behaviour. Being stuck inside with over 40 degree heat hasn’t helped. At this point I am sick of my own voice, which is something as I can go on all day!
Most of this is just normal family stuff, they’re usually pretty good and if a bit of arguing is the most I have to complain about I know I’ve got it reasonably good. The hard part is not being able to hand off. It’s just me. Always just me. I can’t ask anyone to get them ready for bed while I take a breather. I can’t ask anyone to do the bedtime routine while I jump in the shower to unwind. I can’t leave the kids at home to run to the shops. I can’t get up early to go for a walk or a run without the kids to let off some steam. If a friend does ask me out I can’t ever just say yes. There has to be arrangements made, most times meaning I now have a curfew earlier than I had when living with my parents. I have some time out when I go to work but that’s pretty much it, and getting those shifts during hours that I can pay for subsidised childcare means that I can’t work as much as I would like. I do get help from my family but as I said before, they aren’t the parent. They have been parents and help out with the grandkids when they can but they also have lives of their own which they still very much enjoy, as they should.
So yeah, I get a little flash of green when I see some of the other mum’s I know being able to do the things I can’t, but then maybe there’s a mum out there that sees my Facebook highlight reel and gets a flash of green too. You just never know do you? The flip side to the solo-parenting gig is that I know I am the most influential person in my children’s lives. That thought alone is so overwhelming and humbling, it makes me get all teary! I get all the morning hugs and kisses. I get the drawings and artworks created at childcare and kindy. I get pulled up to dance when some music comes on. I get the cuddles on the lounge when we put on a movie. I get serenaded in the car when our favourite songs come on the radio. I get to see the joy when we race along the beach together. I get the sleepy talks at bedtime and get to be the audience for Master E’s fabulous stories. I get “I love you” everyday, multiple times. I really am very lucky. So while it’s not easy, parenting (single/attached/solo/or otherwise) is rewarding. We just sometimes need to take a step back to see it.
Family
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