Lots of thoughts about friendships, groups, support networks and where I fit in. Where have I placed myself?
Unfortunately I believe I have sold myself short. If I was asked about what sort of person I am, what are my qualities, I would probably include words like loyal, kind, forgiving, compassionate, friendly, funny (sometimes!), and passionate. All great qualities in my opinion! But here are some more – fearful, unsure, cautious and self doubting. And there it is – feeling unsure, fearful of rejection and having so much self doubt has often masked all those positive qualities. Yes I have been the girl standing on the sidelines, sitting at the table, not joining in. I’m sure others have thought me unsociable, quiet, snobby(?) and even strange, The whole while I was desperately longing for someone to come talk to me, to include me.
I am turning 34 this year and only now am I really accepting who I am and taking responsibility for how the world sees me. I should have said the first hello perhaps, put my stupid phone away in social situations, sent the first text or made that call. The fear of rejection caused me to put the walls up. People are not going to climb over them to get to you. It’s just too hard, who can be bothered?
I am a mother now and I want to teach my children to have the strength of their convictions, to face the world and whatever life has to throw at them knowing and respecting their self worth. I have to lead by example and that is why I am posting this, putting it out there. So everyone can see it.
I am a good person with lots to share with world. Instead of searching for acceptance of others I will accept myself. The rest will come. I have missed out on opportunities and lost friendships in the past due to mistakes and low self esteem. I don’t want this pattern to continue. The buck stops with me. And to my true friends, I say thank you for looking past the walls.
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