Boy meets girl. After a whirlwind romance filled with the heady effects of stomach flips, kisses and promises; he pops the question, they walk down the aisle and live happily ever after. The end.
Sweet, sweet love.
Except its 2017 and this isn’t a fairy tale.
We live in a world where love isn’t as simple as finding your prince (or princess!), overcoming the local witch or bad guy in order to get married and reach the end of your story. Thank god for that! After all there is so much else to do, experience, see, share, create, etc. People are still looking for love though, that special someone to share and witness life with. It’s the when, for how long or even if, where the idea of marriage has changed. According to our Bureau of Statistics, the median age at marriage for both males and females has gone up, the number of people getting married has gone down and the divorce rate has increased. These stats don’t even factor all those long-term relationships we consider defacto (I hate that term, but hey). Why?
There are so many factors at play that to name them all would take a mass of time and research, also I’m no expert. What I do have is my own experience and the many, many, many conversations I’ve had with the awesome and varied women in my life. There are always two sides to every relationship and relationship breakdown, of course there is, but this post is looking at this issue from a woman’s perspective. I am a woman, so that makes sense yeah? Of course it does! As I see it, so many problems that cause people to suffer conflict in their relationships start pretty early on. It’s all there for us to see but that heady feeling I was talking about earlier totally blinds so many of us. Sayings like “Love is Blind” had to start from somewhere right? In almost any article about the topic, it is agreed that the foundation of any long lasting, healthy relationship is respect. Respecting your partner and respecting yourself really is all it boils down to. Trust, loyalty, communication, acceptance, support are all important and they all stem from respect. Either one of you loses respect for yourself or your partner and things will start to crumble. Fact.
The notion of romantic love is pushed onto us so often and from all around. Fairy tales, the lyrics of the songs we listen to, the movies and shows we watch and the stories we read; all present this fantastical world of what love should be like. Beautiful people in beautiful clothes, dinners, flowers, gifts, dancing on clouds and an amazing sex life… yes please. As we grow up and experience romantic relationships for ourselves, we soon work out that life is certainly not like a Hallmark card. Most of us, yes there are a lucky few that find “The One” very early on, will inevitably face some disappointment and heartbreak along the rocky path to love. No, the girls I know aren’t breaking up with guys over not being able to dance on a cloud but the reality of life and relationships can be a bitter pill to swallow when you’re first starting out. While we are smart enough to know sitting around for the rest of eternity in our wedding dress after being rejected isn’t the ticket to a healthy fulfilled life, that post breakup period can be pretty brutal.
Miss Havisham, humiliation and heartbreak drives her to become bitter and twisted
When a relationship hits that next level, traveling together, moving in together, getting married, maybe having children or any combination of these milestones give and take, things will change. What shouldn’t change is the respect you have for each other. There are going to be times when one partner is going to have to step up while the other can’t. This could be for any number of reasons including and not limited to illness, stress, loss of employment, demands of employment, pregnancy, depression or personal loss. There are going to be times in our life when we are not at our best, when we are not firing on all cylinders. It’s at these times when that whole respect thing from our partner is especially important. Relationships involve a balancing act that can be quite delicate. No one person can be the one who is continually expected to step up, you have to take turns.
I have a friend who is currently expecting her second baby this year. Things have been rocky in her relationship during this pregnancy due to a few different factors, things coming to a head yesterday with a fight and her partner kicking her and their young daughter out of the house. Yes, she was asked to leave while in her third trimester with their daughter who is not yet two years old. What was the fight over? Oh the usual sort of thing, being asked to do something that he didn’t want to do and then going on a rant over her laziness for not picking up their daughters toys which he had stubbed his toe on. This friend was in hospital not two weeks previously with sharp pains and lack of foetal movement and told by doctors that she must take it easy. Have you ever tried to take it easy while running the house and looking after a toddler? All while carrying extra weight and having your centre of gravity thrown off? It’s not a walk in the park. How supportive and understanding of her partner, the father of her children. This particular fight isn’t the reason they are currently staying in different houses; this was just the last straw. It is however a perfect example of him needing to step up and needing to let some the unimportant stuff go in order to be a good partner.
I know of several women who have been in serious discomfort and/or physical pain while pregnant and still been badgered for sex by their partners. At least one guy I know thought it was appropriate to engage in an affair while his wife was pregnant, how disrespectful is that? Through a mix of hormones, depression and anxiety my libido more or less disappeared after my daughter was born. My partner’s solution? Tell me that I needed to get over it, better start getting into “it”, or I shouldn’t be surprised if he started looking for “it” elsewhere. Lovely, just what someone feeling down about life and themselves wants to hear from the person who is supposed to love them?
Realistically, we all know that there are plenty of wonderful men out there who are fantastic partners, that do help and are sometimes the ones being taken advantage of. It just seems that in this phase of my life, so many relationships happening around me including my last relationship, it’s the women who have to take on the lion’s share of responsibility. The responsibility for the house, the money, the cleaning, the kids, the shopping, the cooking, the social calendar, the sex or lack of it. Lack of responsibility and selfishness is a huge problem today. So many men feel they’re entitled to do as little as possible other than go to work, and that their partner should be some perfect little homemaker while looking like a Victoria’s Secret model and screwing them like a porn star. It’s ridiculous!
No pressure ladies
I realise that guys feel the weight of expectation when it comes to their role in relationships too but I really think many women these days are more realistic in what we want and expect. Especially as we reach our 30’s. Flowers and fancy dinners are great, but personally, if it only happens for special occasions I’m okay with that. Pick up a bottle of wine on your way home, pour me a glass and ask me about my day. Actually listen to me and engage in conversation with me. Suggest a walk along the beach and don’t say no every time I suggest we do something together. Hold my hand, whether we’re in public or on the couch watching a movie. If I’m tired and grumpy and I say I need some time out, give it to me. Encourage me to see my friends and don’t bad mouth them. Don’t get angry if I’m too exhausted to cook dinner, get up and prepare something for us or bring out the take away menus. Help with the dishes. Don’t leave wet towels on the floor. I will try my best to reciprocate and give you the things you need and want too. Are my expectations too great? I don’t think they are.
What we expect from love and what we think love should look like changes as we ourselves change with age and experience. The butterfly inducing kisses, the headiness of new love and the red hot lust we feel at the beginning of a relationship will develop into something deeper and stronger over time. The two of you not only lovers, but also friends and companions who will face the world together, if not always side by side, with the support of the other behind them. However your relationship changes, if it is based firmly on a foundation of mutual respect I believe you have the vital ingredient to make things work.
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