Ever had a conversation with someone or made a remark about something based on your experiences only to be rebutted? It happens all the time to everybody. Everyone has something to say about everything, especially if they think you are wrong or are making sweeping statements. In all honesty I have done so myself about many topics, and sweeping statements where someone is generalising against a whole race, religion or gender is almost always going to be wrong and should be called out. We should however, be able to have opinions drawn from our own experiences, whether they be closely personal or from many conversations we’ve had with others, or of course statistics that have been recorded as data, talk about them even without being told we are ‘tarring everyone with the same brush” when we are not.
If I say that women are dying at the hands of their partners at an alarming rate in this country, that the cycle of domestic violence and the damage that it is doing to families needs to be stopped, you can guarantee someone will respond with “men are abused too”, “not all men are abusive”, “women are perpetrators of violence too’ etc. etc. You know what, I know this. The world knows this. These issues are important but the fact that women can be violent, that not all men are abusers or that men are abused too, does not change the fact that the statistics of domestic violence in Australia especially against women are horrific.
There are so many examples where someone might say something about the state of gender inequality, relating back to experience and/or research and they will be immediately hit with “but not all men are like that”. No, not all men are sexist but very few will call out another man for being so. And yes, there’s a stat for that. We know that most men are in fact respectable, kindhearted people who just like women, want to go through life without much hassle. Have great friends, have a good job, be able to have a laugh, meet nice people, fall in love or whatever. I know it is not the responsibility of men to take on all the misdeeds of the sexist/violent/sleazy men of the world, I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying is more men need to stand up and call out the sexist remarks, not laugh and/or use misogynistic language and not push aside or ignore abuse when they witness it. Calling someone out for being an arsehole isn’t easy but it is the right thing to do.
So often I read comments on threads about the violence and assaults against women where men are on the defensive. Women know that not all men are arseholes, waiting to pounce, just waiting for an opportunity to attack the next woman that they come across. But we also know that as a woman we should be wary. We should be cautious. We should put thought into how far away we park the car on a darkened street. We should think about how much skin is showing when we are heading out for a fun night with friends. We should never accept a drink from someone we don’t know. We should not drink too much alcohol. We should always sit as far away as possible from the driver that is taking us home. Why? Well just in case the worst happens. Because if by some terrible twist of fate we are met by a man who wants and succeeds in harming us, all those things we should have thought about will be questioned. Not by everyone but by many, including the legal and justice system that is meant to be protecting us against the “bad guys”. Rape culture does exist and anyone who says it doesn’t is deluding himself or herself.
But once again, I know “Not all men”.
On to other areas of gender (in)equality. Yeah, yeah, I can feel some of your eyes rolling but it exists and there is data to prove it. So what does Australian gender equality look like?
Fact is there is inequality across many different areas and we should be striving for an equal, even playing field for everyone no matter their gender. Further to this we should be striving for equality for all. Which brings me to that dirty “F” word that so many people seem to have a problem with. Feminism.
That is a really basic summary of what feminism means to me. Years ago I would have felt uneasy about using the word feminist to describe myself, it’s just such a loaded word. Why is that? Well here’s an article that I think perfectly sums up why some people have an issue with this particular F word. Feminism has managed to get a really bad name depending on what sources you read and what you think they stand for, but if we put the actual word aside and look at the movement itself I think we can agree that it is a positive one. There have been a few different waves of feminism, starting with the brave suffragettes fighting for their vote through to women fighting against physical and sexual violence and for their reproductive rights such as contraception. The latest wave of feminism or at least the feminism that speaks to me is more inclusive and seeks to continue the fight for rights, freedom of choice and equality no matter your race, ethnicity and/or sexual identity.
Do I want equality for all? Yes I do. Does that mean I hate men? No I don’t.
Another controversial topic guaranteed to get those oppositional conversationalists riled up is of course “Black Lives Matter”. Whoa! Talk about a huge multifaceted issue that has spread across the world. If you aren’t acquainted with how the movement came about and what they stand for here’s some good reading. Like all movements, others have hijacked BLM with their own agenda along the way, which is always counterproductive. From what I understand, and after the reading I have done Black Lives Matter is the call for Black lives to matter and for an end to state-sanctioned violence against Black people (and by extension all people) and is fundamentally a call for peace. The response so often put out there in opposition to BLM is “All Lives Matter”. Of course they do, but when was the last time a white Anglo person was pulled over in their car for no reason, was stopped at a park while caring for their Autistic charge and then shot at resulting in death? Racial profiling exists. It just does. To those who want to throw around the “All Lives Matter” response, I think this analogy best sums up why that doesn’t work.
Bob is sitting at the dinner table. Everyone else gets a plate of food except Bob. Bob says, “Bob Deserves Food.” Everyone at the table responds with “Everyone Deserves Food” and continues eating. Although Everyone Deserves Food is a true statement, it does nothing to actually rectify the fact that Bob doesn’t have any food.
The last topic I’ll touch on today is of course marriage equality. The hot topic in Australia at the moment which if I’m honest I’m sick of hearing about. Just saying that feels really awful because I know how much this change in legislation means to so many and it is really important that we get this right. And by right I mean we change the marriage act by saying YES to marriage equality. I’m just sick of hearing all of the excuses of why this is such a big issue for some. If you are religious and your religion does not support gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person. The Church has the right to refuse to marry anyone they don’t want to already and that’s not going to change. If you are already married and think that marriage should be between a man and a woman good for you, that’s what you’ve got. You’re marriage isn’t going to suddenly mean something different because a gay couple can now also marry. There is no slippery slope. Marrying your sister or your dog or your favourite tree in the botanical gardens isn’t suddenly going to be a thing. No, polygamy is not permitted in Australia. You marry an already married person and that is bigamy. The marriage act is about two consenting adults. A marriage is void if either party is already married, it is a prohibited relationship: direct descendants or siblings, including adopted (by law) relationships, it wasn’t solemnised by an authorised celebrant or if there was no consent.
Giving other people rights does not take away the rights from those that already have them. I don’t understand why people find this so hard to understand.
So, we all have opinions and ideas and experiences and stories. Just because someone is telling you theirs and it happens to put someone from a particular gender, race, ethnicity or religion in a negative light don’t assume they are making wide sweeping statements. Don’t assume they are putting down a group of people when in reality they are only trying to lift another group up. I hate generalisations, but putting our head in the sand and not talking about issues because “Not All Men Are Rapists”, “All Lives Matter”, or whatever counter argument you have for calling out social issues doesn’t get us anywhere. There is good and bad all around and on every level. Lets not immediately get on the defensive, instead we should actually recognise that these problems of inequality exist and strive for a world where we can work together to lift each other up. Idealistic I suppose but that’s the world I want to live in.
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