I posted the following message as a Facebook post back in November of last year. It had been approximately 8 months since the ex and I had finally parted ways and I was only just putting into words the reality of what the relationship had disintegrated into.
Just because the person “you know” hasn’t displayed any violence in your presence, doesn’t mean they haven’t towards someone else behind closed doors. They may be funny, they may be charismatic and they may be well respected at work, in their community and amongst friends, that doesn’t mean they are not an abuser. You may think they are just a hot head, but never anything too serious right? Perhaps you’ve seen them get into fights with others, smash a window or two in a rage, but they’d never do anything more than say a few mean things to their partner surely? Add Australia’s favourite pass time, the consumption of alcohol (and often other substances) and you can have a recipe for disaster. Perhaps the relationship has become so dysfunctional, the lines of abuser and victim so murky and overlapping that the original victim hits back. They say mean things, they break belongings, they get physical in a desperate attempt to level the playing field. To inflict the same kind of hurt they themselves are experiencing. They scream from the pits of their soul to be heard but are quickly labelled as unstable or overemotional to anyone who may question what’s going on. The violence and control doesn’t just come in the form of raised fists either, it’s about isolation, controlling money and spending, making one question their own sanity with techniques such as gaslighting. Not many will stay a doormat forever. They sometimes fight back, they sometimes find the strength to leave, they sometimes get the chance to leave taken away from them. I’m posting this for myself and for the many women I know personally who have or are experiencing the multifaceted issues surrounding domestic violence and abuse. It must be spoken about if we are ever going to fix the problem.
It makes me sad that I had found myself in the situation I was in. It makes me reflect on how choices can take you on dangerous paths especially when those choices go against other’s advice and your own better judgement. In a weird way it makes me feel proud to see how brave I was and how far I have come. I have been in a place where I felt so oppressed and defeated, then later relieved and liberated, then I was lonely and unsure. Right now? Thing are great! Life isn’t perfect, no one’s is, but I’m pretty damned happy. I’ve met someone through a mutual friend with a little help from social media, the perfect blend of an old fashioned meet up with a Facebook profile preview 😉
It’s early days and we’re taking things slow (kind of!) but there is definitely a connection there. We share a similar sense of humour, or at least he’s kind enough to laugh when I think I’m being funny and we have no problem with conversation. Quick coffee dates have turned in to hours of chatting and getting to know each other, and there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s so nice to be with someone who’s interested in what I have to say and genuinely wants to spend time with me, it’s refreshing. He’s so thoughtful and kind and he’s also really driven and works hard for his family. I’ve found myself feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and where it could lead but I’m starting to relax and really enjoy it for the great start that it is. So knowing that the new man in my life is probably going to read this, I’ll leave it there 🙂 Here’s to a bright and happy future where surely there will be plenty of amazing things to come!
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