Uncomfortable truths. This post is about an uncomfortable truth I have been carrying with me for about 8 years. It makes me uncomfortable for a number of reasons; because it’s about a single event that changed who I was for a time, the repercussions I have dealt with since the event and the steps I am finally taking to make me feel comfortable again. I’m taking about my smile. It sounds so silly. Once I smiled without thinking. It was a natural reaction to something funny or something nice. It’s what I did when I said hello to people without a second thought. When someone said “Smile” for a photo, that’s exactly what I did. I was a pretty smiley person! Then that changed. My toxic relationship was in a really bad way over the Christmas period during the year of 2011 and this is when it became really physical. Fighting, arguing, pushing and shoving became something else when I almost lost my front tooth. I felt like I flew across the room, but maybe I didn’t, who knows. What I do know is that I had lashed out physically too so I take on some responsibility of what happened, but it still hurts to think about someone who was supposed to love me hurting me like that.
My 30th Birthday, when a smile was just a smile
Being smacked in the mouth so hard that it dislodges your tooth and cuts your lip is a sobering thing. The pain was terrible as we shoved it back up into the gum, trying to save it but the pain was nothing compared to the shame and humiliation I felt afterwards. I went to work the following day, it was peak retail trading over Christmas and New Years so I felt like I couldn’t call in sick. I made up some stupid story about what happened but I’m almost positive everyone knew the truth. The smack in the mouth, the lie I told to cover it up, the shame of the why and how has stuck with me for all of these years because while I may have saved the tooth, it was badly damaged and discoloured due to bruising inside. I did go to the dentist in the following days for root canal treatment but due to my financial situation I couldn’t afford to continue it. Joint financial issues were just another matter of contention I was dealing with at the time.
I have been so painfully aware of this discoloured tooth that it has really knocked my self confidence over the years. I couldn’t smile like I used to, I would see my smile in a photo and cringe, wondering what everyone else must think. Having self confidence issues can be crippling, it has taken me so long to start to feel good about myself again but my tooth still bothers me terribly. Most people wouldn’t understand and I’m sure some people haven’t really noticed it, I don’t think I’m actually that important that everyone is checking me out so closely but it’s there and I’m self conscious about it and I’ve desperately wanted it fixed. The fact that this has stopped me from naturally smiling for 8 years is awful. Will my smile return to what it once was? Has it actually changed or is it all in my head I wonder?
Smiling without showing teeth has become something I do
Well I won’t need to wonder much longer! Over the last 18 months or so I have got myself health cover and have started the process of getting my smile back to something I’m happy with. Cleaning, root canal treatment, bleaching and finally a veneer to come this week! To say I’m excited is an understatement, which is kind of funny, I mean who gets excited about a dental appointment?! Getting this done means so much to me and I can’t wait to be able to smile without those silly thoughts about what must people must think popping up in my head. Feeling good, feeling comfortable with ourselves is actually really important. It directly affects the way we move through the world and intereact with others. Here’s to a smile that matches the joy in my heart!
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