You know those holographic images? The ones that change with distance and perception? That’s where I’m at. Or at least that’s how I’m feeling. I don’t feel completely grounded, completely comfortable. It’s like I’m switching up labels and definitions that might fit but nothing really measures up. Who and what am I? What definition explains where I’m at? What am I about these days? I can’t be alone, but I see so many people out there wearing their “30 something” hats and getting on with life and I wonder if I’m still the only one trying to figure “it out”.
As a child of the 80’s I grew up with Jerrica Benton AKA Jem, her holographic counterpart, and Princess Adora, a leader of the rebellion who became the all powerful She-ra with the power of her sword. These strong, female characters were able to take on a persona that allowed them to use their strength, be it mental, emotional or physical, to defeat their enemies; pretty much without restriction. I identify with the wearing of a persona, even if I don’t have a magic pair of earrings or a sword containing a jewel of protection to transform into an arse kicking femme fatale.. I am both a strong, single woman, mother to two incredible humans who has overcome adversity and oppression and a lonely girl searching for her place, wanting to feel in control of her own destiny.
It’s a funny notion really. “Being in control of one’s own destiny”, destiny or fate being a predetermined course of events and all that. How does one be in control of something “predetermined”? I’m no philosopher, and I sure as hell don’t have the answers to the BIG questions, but I know that I need to feel comfortable with where I am right now in order to navigate this thing we call “life”. My life right now is predominately taken up with making sure my children are well looked after and that their needs and wants are met within my means. The mundane changing of nappy’s, getting a drink for a thirsty little human who has done many laps of the back yard, bathing, feeding, kissing knocked knees etc. Picking up children from the exes place no matter what’s happening in my immediate present. There’s also fun and magic in there too. The first words, the little acts of love and kindness slowly taking shape between young siblings who realise this is their family, the people they belong to, no matter what. The Christmas presents asked for and desperately wanted. Dinosaurs and baby dolls to bath.
I love all this. I love it. But I do feel a small disconnection to myself. The real Sarah. We all need a sense of self. A huge part of me is being a mum and loving my children, but that’s not all I am. I love company, I love food, I love wine, I love good music, I love a good band and a bar with ambiance, I love good conversation and interesting people. I went out with an old friend the other week and I’m not afraid to say, it was the best night out I’ve had in ages. A walk around the city visiting places I’d heard about but never ventured to. We talked about work, people we knew, houses, theater, wine, food. It was refreshing. It was like taking a step back to “me”. I know it wont happen often due to my current circumstances, I am more than the primary carer for my two precious children, but I’ll hold onto the fact that the “other” me is still in there somewhere. I may be a bit rusty when it comes to going out and I’m not planning on rocking anyone’s world right now, but I’m happy to have touched base with the “other” me.
A bit of a ramble, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I’ll probably come back tomorrow and edit. Totally like me!
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