“Losing will not always amount to a loss, sometimes you have to lose those toxic relationships and bad habits to create a space for better things” – Gift Gugu Mona
Letting go of what is not good for us is no easy feat. Getting sucked back in, repeating mistakes and getting caught in a cycle of going back to a bad relationship is actually a pretty common thing. I have made this mistake more times than I’d like to admit, but after doing lots of reading and talking about it with others, I feel like I’m better prepared if or when faced with a toxic relationship again. These relationships can be romantic, platonic or familial, and there is definitely a process to letting them go. There are countless articles, books, papers, posts etc. about getting out a toxic relationship so I’ve broken it down here in 5 basic steps.
1. Recognising that the relationship is toxic
This may seem like a pretty easy first step but recognising that you are in a toxic situation can be difficult. The biggest reason for this? We just want to believe the best of the people in our lives. You may notice the tell-tale signs of a toxic relationship but you justify them to yourself and start to make excuses for bad behaviour. When you do notice that uncomfortable feeling in the back of your mind, when your brain is sending you these messages, that’s cognitive dissonance. Your brain is trying to protect you from what you know is true. You need to take note of the things that are making you feel this way. Relationships should be based on respect; if someone close to you does not respect you and your needs then this is a toxic relationship. Accepting this is really the first step. Before you can make the move to be free, you have to be aware of the things causing you harm.
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2. The blame game
Do not play it. Do not take it all on. Relationships are give and take, there are two people participating in the relationship, which means there are two people participating in the arguments, disagreements and behaviour. You cannot take all the blame upon yourself; this is a recipe for disaster. By taking all the blame and shouldering all the responsibility, you are absolving the other person of their role in the situation. You each need to acknowledge your responsibility for your own actions, and if the other person refuses to do that? Well that’s not your problem. It is not your job to “fix” anyone. Work on yourself, not others. A lesson I have learnt the hard way.
3. Cut off contact
So this can be really hard but distance is absolutely the best thing to do when trying to let go of a toxic relationship. Keeping in contact just makes the whole process harder and while checking in on toxic people to see how they’re coping may seem like the nice thing to do, you are putting their needs before your own again. You need to be your number one priority. Cutting off all contact is sometimes impossible, I know. When you share children, or see each other around the workplace or at social gatherings through mutual friends etc. it can be hard to avoid someone completely. You really do need to keep contact at bare minimum in these circumstances though. Things you can control? Resist scrolling through their social media and don’t ask after them to anyone. You don’t need to know how they’re doing. In order to really move on, you need to be in a place where you are able to feel neutral about the lack of contact, rather than pain.
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4. Closure – yeah, yeah, I know
I know the word kind of gets thrown around a lot but the shrink’s agree closure really is one of the best things for moving forward from a broken and toxic relationship. Closure can help reconstruct your life in a healthy and productive way. Obviously finding closure looks and feels different to everyone. For lots of people it may simply be recognising all the ways that the relationship went wrong. Recognising that they know they deserve to be treated well, to be respected. To reconnect with their own worth. For some it may mean writing a final letter, outlining the hurt. It can be just for them or they may chose to share it with the person they are moving on from. Receiving acknowledgement from the other person about their toxic behaviour can be a good thing, but realistically this doesn’t always happen. Whatever it is that needs to happen, closure is important for letting go and moving on.
5. Support Is Key
I cannot stress this enough! It is just so important that when leaving any toxic relationship and letting it go, you have someone there to catch you if you fall. Letting go of a toxic relationship can be jarring. It can actually send shock waves through some of your other relationships and can have people feeling really perplexed by the situation. Difficult times call for the love and support of friends and family. Getting together with your people, reaching out when you’re feeling down or unsure is 100% the right thing to do. They can also keep you accountable when it comes to the no contact step. They can be there to remind you just how wonderful you are and that you have made the right decision. Support systems are invaluable; do not be afraid to lean on those that love you most.
Photo by Court Cook on Unsplash
A toxic relationship can really cause you a lot of damage, but you can let it go and move forward. My biggest piece of advice? Know your worth. Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
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