Entering into Love when one is not whole is a dangerous game. It is prone to play and tease and confuse. When Love leaves it is seldom in a rush. There is no great gush, a sudden blossoming like when you are falling into its grips. Swiftly, suddenly, completely engulfed in Love’s warm embrace.
No. It gently leaves you like a slow indiscernible leak, leaving only emptiness behind. A void. Feeling like half a person when that space is not filled, it leaves you open to insecurity, anxiety and the fear of what’s to come. The leak leaving more and more space, to be filled with uncertainty.
What you thought was special turns out to be made of nothing. Your experience is not unique. You are just a different face playing the same part that is constantly recast. A part in a play you hadn’t realised you’d auditioned for, let alone landed a starring role. Did I say starring? No, you were not the star; you would always be a supporting cast member.
Barbed words, the action and inaction of the one you love start an ache deep within your heart. Ever so suddenly, the pain is sharp like an unexpected pinprick. Sadly it never has time to completely heal before the next wave of hurt is delivered. The tiny hole takes over, bit by bit with every disappointment, every promise broken.
Feeling empty you somehow manage to reach deep within to find the last remaining sliver of your Self. Your Self is strong, that’s why you are still here. Still here after everything. Your Self pulls you out with a scream. It starts as a whisper; you are not a half it says. The whisper turns into a shout.
You are not here to play this part your Self prods incessantly. You need to be the author of your own story it nags. Make it a masterpiece it encourages. You hold the pen; you are the writer of your future. Only you can make it happen. Be the change.
Time alone is a time for refection and thoughts. Some sad. Some wistful. Some full of regret and remorse for the things that could have been. No, should have been. But then reflection stops and you start to look ahead. You are happy, hopeful and determined. There is a reconnection. Oh there you are.
The healing comes remarkably fast. Negativity released makes room for the good things, space for the great things. The things your Self yearns for. Toxicity expelled, the wounds begin to heal and what emerges is a Self even stronger than before. A Self to be proud of and to celebrate.
When it’s all done it suddenly dawns on you that it stopped being real love long before you said goodbye. Was it ever more than a hope and a dream? A promise unfulfilled? Perhaps it was because you weren’t quite whole to begin with. Neither of you. And if neither of you were whole could you really love with your whole Self?
Now you realise you are complete. You do not need someone to fill in the missing pieces. The delicate, multifaceted pieces that make you who you are. Love certainly shouldn’t erode those pieces either. Perhaps you can’t experience real love until you accept your Self as a whole. And if it wasn’t real love, maybe Love never left at all?
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