You can do and be anything you want! Remember being told that? I do. And while there is truth that hard work and determination paves the way to success it’s not all that is needed to get to where you want to be. There are so many variables that lend themselves to someone’s ‘success’. The network people have around them is a huge contributing factor, I’m talking family, friends, old school mates, colleagues, romantic relationships etc. Services available to you are also a huge factor. Eligible for childcare, able to afford childminding/babysitting? You can have all the determination in the world but without the right support systems around you, you can be left flailing.
What does true success even look like? Is it being career driven? Being able to brunch with friends regularly? Being involved with the kids school? Living in a high rise? Having acreage? Holidays abroad? Holidays at all? Earning a high wage? Finding your passion and making a living from it?
‘Success’ looks and feels different to everyone, which a good thing. Everyone’s journey is different, of course it is, but that doesn’t stop us from feeling judged by others or feeling disappointed in ourselves or our circumstances when we feel as though we’re not measuring up. As a woman, who is also a single mum, I have felt this way on and off for years. Feeling judged is the worst and while it’s all well and good to say ignore it, it can get difficult when it’s all around you on the news or on social media feeds.
Juggling work and parenting can be hard work
Time away from the workforce somehow translates into “slacker”
Time focusing on your career “look after your own kid”
Stay at home mum? “Don’t you want more out of life?”
Single mum? “You should have chosen better”
You know what? I’m over it. I work hard. Whether it’s getting the kids ready for drop off on a “non work” day or getting them signed in at before school care before 7:30am it’s hard work. Picking them up after school or at after school care once I’ve squeezed in quick pit stop at the supermarket for supplies after a shift at work is tiring. Or at least it is knowing that homework awaits, as well as actually spending time with them/conversing/feeding/bathing/reading to/tucking in etc.
And that’s just a “normal” day. What about the days when the kids haven’t coped so well? They’ve not slept enough. Or they’ve wet the bed. Or they’ve had a hard/challenging day. Or maybe it’s that you’ve had a particularly challenging day. Health wise or work wise or friendship wise or relationship wise we are constantly thrown curve balls and are just expected to deal with it. And yes I know this is part and parcel of being a parent, but originally I did expect to be sharing the load with a partner.
This last year has been a major challenge for so many people. Personally, being a parent in these challenging times has caused me a great deal of angst. Am I doing enough? How can I provide for these little people depending on me? Am I doing enough to support their learning? Is my anxiousness rubbing off on them? Is this going to affect them in years to come? What can I do to improve our “situation”. Housing, schooling, socialisation, finances. How can I be more available to work more? My head is constantly spinning and I haven’t even touched on my own personal relationships.
Friends and any other possible relationships tend to fall by the wayside. Even the easiest of friendships take time and effort and sometimes there’s just not much left in the fuel tank to do that. Also, spontaneity is almost impossible which makes new relationships really hard. I can’t just ‘catch up’ on a random night, I have to arrange a babysitter and so many people don’t get that. Dating in 2021 is quite honestly crap, but that’s a whole other post.
What about the things that fill your cup? We know personal care activities that make you feel good are important and are necessary if you want to be able to keep giving to everyone else, but when do we squeeze them in? Things that make me feel good are walking, the gym, going out to eat, a massage, catching up with friends, a night out dancing, meditation. I do manage to squeeze some of these things in but it’s usually when I’ve got my kids in before or after school care. It always feels like a scramble, I’ve always got a few balls up in the air at the same time and I will inevitably drop one from time to time.
Brunch with a friend is one way I like to fill my cup
It’s a lot. So many people are feeling the pressure and while COVID-19 has forced many to slow down and re-evaluate what’s important it hasn’t really changed that much for the average person. In fact in many ways it’s made things harder for them and highlighted just how delicate a balance life is.
It’s not easy, and somewhat cliche, but I think my definition of success has shifted to more of a “Enjoy where life is right now” kind of vibe. Enjoy where you’re at, celebrate the little wins and learn from the mistakes or setbacks. Strive for the things you want but don’t forget to appreciate the life you already have. I know GRATITUDE feels like a buzz word right now but it is a great feeling if you’re able to find it and sit with it awhile.
Life is a juggle, for everyone and for different reasons. Having it all might just be possible with love and support but not all at the same time. Different stages of our lives will bring new opportunities and experiences which may never have presented themselves without us getting though the right now.
Taking time to enjoy the now
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